This is really incredible.

now that i'm a lawyer...

...Certain things really aren't that cool anymore.


1.  Wearing a suit.  Thanks goes to Matt for his FB post today, which inspired this blog post.  Remember when dressing up in a suit was exciting and made us feel legit?  Like the days in law school where we "had" to be a suit, and we would roll our eyes when we said like it was the biggest inconvenience in the world... but really we were secretly loving it.  And then we would spend all day fielding questions about why we were in suit... with the best possible answer being: "Oh, I had to be in court this morning."  We would be sure to go to happy hour on days when we wore suits because there was nothing more legit than drinking a martini in a suit.

Now, when I have to put on a suit, I resent the fact that every article I am wearing cannot be washed conventionally, but rather, must go to the drycleaner.  There will be no happy hour for me on suit-days because I usually can't get home fast enough to switch my pantyhose and heels for sweat pants and slippers.  Now, rather than feeling legit, wearing a suit makes me feel like a rookie.  I've shown up too many times to events where I am one of a handful of people in a suit, and the only other suit-wearers are younger than I am.  Fail.

2.  Boredom.  Boredom before being a lawyer meant an afternoon movie, a long run or better yet - a nap.  Now, boredom equates to a lack of billable hours.  A lack of billable hours means having to make them up later.  That road leads to stress.  Boredom = Stress.  Definitely not a concept I understood before being a lawyer.

Notice how his brain is mush...

3.  Reading for Fun.  I no longer read for fun.  Sometimes, I can barely be bothered to read a menu.  I went from being someone who didn't watch a lot of TV and could fly through a book in a matter to days to being a lawyer who can't wait for Saturday afternoon to watch the dvr'ed week of TV.  What's worse... sometimes I don't even follow what's happening on shows like Two And A Half Men or Modern Family (translation:  pretty easy plot lines) because I'm so burned out from the week.  My poor book club has had to suffer with me bs'ing my way through our monthly gatherings.  Law school allowed me to perfect the practice of making it look like I had read when I hadn't.  Basically, you listen to two or three comments that other people make, and then you ask a question based on their comments and always start with, "So going off of what Bob and Mary said..."  I wish I could read for fun.  I really do.  But now, even the thought of having to sift through the mail makes me cringe.

4.  Great Concerts on  a School Night.  This one is pretty res ipsa.  Put simply, but I can't risk the hangover, and there is something about live music that makes me drink beer.  I can't explain it.  All it takes is one day of a hangover at work while being out of your mind busy (and billing in 6 minute increments) to convince you that your college days are most definitely behind you.

5.  A Full Calendar.  Before becoming a lawyer, having a lot going on meant you were popular and people wanted to be around you.  Now, a full calendar means everybody wants a piece of you.  Outlook reminders invoke a certain throat-closing fear that there's a deposition or a conference call that I totally spaced on.  My calendar is the last thing I check before I go to sleep and the first thing I look at when I wake up.  It makes me wonder what people did before smart phones.


Well I guess this is growing up (yes, that was a Blink 182 throwback).

desperate times = desperate measures

WARNING: adult content alluded to.

I am blown away (and in all honesty, that was written with no pun of any kind intended).  I have struggled with how to "delicately" review one of the latest postings on Above The Law.  It's so egregious, I can't even bring myself to link to it.  I'm sure those interested in it can probably track it down.  It even comes with a warning.  When ATL has a warning/disclaimer, you know the following content will be OFFENSIVE.  And it was everything they promised it would be (and a bit more).  ATL's disclaimer reads:  " If your sensibilities are delicate or you don’t like crudeness, please stop reading here."  Part of me wishes I had stopped reading.  The other part of me fully appreciates that a disclaimer like that only makes the audience want to read what comes next that much more...

On the one hand, there is no way I can criticize a recent law grad, from a top-tier law school who has passed the California Bar and can't find a job, who opts to "vent" and demonstrate his desperation via the Internet.  Obviously, I am a proponent of blogging as a means to deal with the overwhelming post-law school market and the outrageous debt.  I'm for it.  Even if there weren't such a thing as freedom of speech.  And I hate First Amendment analyses and had more than enough of that on my Bar Exam, so I'll spare you.  Suffice it to say, this guy has a right to express his "disdain" for the current state of affairs in (basically) whatever way he would like.

On the other hand... REALLY?!?!?

I don't mean to be cryptic.  It's just that I can't even bring myself to summarize this guy's "expression."  I will attempt to describe the situation as politely as possible...

A San Francisco man who recently graduated from a top-tier law school is angry about the current state of the legal economy and his inability to find a job despite his impressive credentials (and I am ONLY referring to his legal credentials).  He posted a Craigslist offer to perform certain services in exchange for a job with a law firm.  Essentially, trading one position for another, if you will.  In an effort to "persuade" his way into a legal job, he also listed other certain credentials.  Above The Law then provided a number of links to lawyers who might be willing to work out a "trade" with this unemployed lawyer.

I'm sure at this point, those who are interested have already sought out the ATL posting.  I think the takeaway here is that for some reason, people are still flocking to law school in droves.  Despite the warnings, despite the articles, despite our desperate pleadings to the contrary, people are STILL taking out the debt and going to law school.

That kind of debt, with the bleak prospects of today's economy, forces people to do crazy things.  For example, new lawyers are willing to risk their integrity and a career they don't even have yet to... I suppose at best, make a point, and at worst, apply for a job.

Either way, it's not pretty out there people.  But clearly you don't have to take it from me...

everything can change... in a minute

"Oooone minute.  Juuuuuusssssssssst a minute."  (This is a high school soccer throwback with a very small target audience).

My mom has been obsessed with the idea of me going on Minute To Win It.  She has been on my case about "trying out" for about a year now.  Well guess what... there's an open casting call in Denver next week, and I might just have to make an appearance.

From what I hear, your "story" is half the battle.  They ask you what you're going to do with the money if you win.  My answer would be simple.  I would invest it in a way that would allow me to pay off my loans over time (as much as I would love to wipe that slate clean, there really is no sense in paying them off in one big check).  Of course, I am going to come up with a "catchier" way of saying that... hopefully one that also emphasizes my novel (which is moving along at a snail's pace) and my desire to volunteer in a Spanish-speaking country (why don't they have lawyers without borders?).  Clearly, I need a PR person.

Now from my estimation, the amount of money to be won ranges from $150,000 to $1,000,000.  Which, don't get me wrong, probably isn't enough to buy a yacht and run off to Anguilla... never be seen again.  But it is enough to pay the monkey to get off  my back.  The prospect of that makes me a little (ok a lot) giddy inside.  Maybe even giddier than spending the rest of my life in a beach town in some exotic location.

Do I realize I have totally gotten ahead of myself?  Absolutely.  Do I understand that the likelihood of me being chosen from a screaming crowd of Denverites is probably slim to none?  Of course.  But did I have a dream the other night that only 4 other people showed up to the audition and 3 of them lacked basic motor skills, and the I beat the fourth one in a beer pong game and was chosen to go on the show...and woke up the next morning thrilled beyond belief?  Yes indeed.  Could it happen?  I suppose.


Like I said awhile back... I don't necessarily buy lottery tickets because I think I'm going to win  (I think I DESERVE to win, but I don't really think I'm going to win - there's a difference).  I buy lottery tickets because the 5 minutes it takes me to walk down to the 7-Eleven and wait in line and go back up to my office with a chance at millions of dollars, are the most financially stress-free minutes of my life.  To know that it would all be taken care of, and I wouldn't have to worry ever again about paying back Uncle Sam... and Aunt Sallie and Cousin Fargo... It's freeing. 


These days leading up to this open casting call are like one prolonged walk to buy a Powerball ticket.  I'm strangely at ease.  The peace of mind that comes from hope never ceases to amaze me.  Besides, based on my beer pong skills, I know all I have to do is make it through the casting call and the million dollars is pretty much mine.

Two-Part Tuesday

First, I have to begin with a Grati-Tuesday post.  I am extremely grateful for four wheel drive and my Wisconsin roots.  Blizzards in Denver aren't rare, but they do generally cause the entire city to freak out.  Fortunately, I know how to drive in snow and own extremely warm (yet horribly ugly) Ugg boots (like old school Ugg boots... made before they got all sorority girl).

Second, this article was passed along to me by a colleague, who said she "thought of me" when she read it.  I suppose it's safe to say I have been successful in "branding" myself, for better or worse.

Warning, like most of my "don't go to law school" rants... this one might be best enjoyed with an adult beverage...


ABA Scamblogging Article

It begs the question... if the ABA is so "aware" of the situation, then why aren't they pulling their heads out of their you-know-whats and doing something about it?

sh**ty sh**ty bang bang

I made a mistake.  I committed one of the cardinal sins of the beauty world.  I went for a haircut when I was FINE.  And by fine, I mean F.I.N.E. - Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.  Women should never get their hair cut when they are FINE.  That's when mistakes happen.  I used to go to a stylist who would perform a mini-therapy session on me whenever I wanted to make a "big" change.  Based on my answers, she would either agree or refuse to grant my hair request.  Once, following a particularly brutal break-up, she refused to give me a pixie cut.  I still thank her for that one. 

Last night, I went to a new stylist, while in the midst of one of the most emotional days I've had in a long time.  I had decided I wanted bangs.  I havent had bangs since I was about 12.  I remember the agony of growing them out then.  But clearly, I didn't remember it well enough.  So now I have bangs.  I also apparently have a cowlick.  Bangs and cowlicks do not mix.  I also have fly-aways (from that one day I overheard one of the girls at the gym say "skinny body, fat hair" as she teased her hair.  I laughed so hard, and loved her hair so much, I quickly followed suit.  That was also a mistake).  Fly-aways, bangs and a cowlick do not mix.  I tried to make the bangs stay in place by using styling wax.  Now they just look greasy. 

Greasy bangs + cowlick + fly-aways = not my best look.

the real lawyer: day one.

I am officially in my first solo deposition.  No, I'm not taking or defending (please, I'm still a baby), but I'm here, taking notes and keeping my ears perked for a few specific words.  When I hear those words, I have been instructed to take copious notes.  I has been over an hour, and I have not yet heard one of my key words, still I find myself (although specifically instructed to the contrary) taking notes just for the sake of taking notes.  This probably doesn't surprise those who know me.

I was warned that this ("this" of course being agonizing boredom) would happen (hence sending the rookie) and was advised to bring some form of laptop entertainment.  So here I am... happily providing a little recap and commentary of my time here...

Highlights
- It feels like law school.  Everyone knows each other and there's a fair amount of funny gossip going on (and, if you sit in the back like me, you can see all the people not paying attention and surfing the internet.).  But with no exam graded on a bell curve at the end.
- Free snacks.
- Billable hours.
- Free snacks.
- One of the older attorney's cell phone's going off with the new Black Eyed Peas song for a ring tone.  Fantastic.
- When you sneeze, everyone says "bless you" just to break up the monotony. 

Not-So-Highlights
- The one lawyer chewing tobacco at the depo table and using his Starbucks cup as a spittoon. 
- The awkward laugh by the deposition-taker... when none of the other 18 people in the room even crack a smile.
- 4 hours, and the mention of "my word"... twice.
- Reading Hyperbole and a Half without causing a scene is next to impossible.

time is contagious. everybody's getting old.

Today marks the end of an era. 
The end of a really good era. 
And my heart is heavy.

I know the only thing that will make this better
is the same thing that brought us all here in the first place.
Time.

My heart hurts with the amount of growing up we're being asked to do. 
Today I doubt.
But I know only time will prove me wrong. 

a missed apology

I crushed dreams this weekend.  I insulted intelligence and then crushed dreams.  Needless to say, I'm not proud of myself.

It turns out then when the contents of a majority of this blog are combined with an open bar, the results are nothing short of offensive.  While at my firm's post-holiday holiday party, the bartender asked me how life as a lawyer was and then informed me of his plans to apply to law school.  He had recently graduated from undergrad with a degree in finance and had taken the LSAT.  Unleash the dogs. 

After determining that he would be taking out loans to finance his education and pay his living expenses, and was considering the exorbitant tuition of private law schools, I proceeded to literally rant (I guess as opposed to "virtually ranting," which I do on here) about... well... everything that I rant about, including without limitation, how paying for law school with loans is single-handedly the worst possible life decision one could make.  I mean, to hear me talk, committing to a life of law school debt was far worse than dedicating your life to a meth addiction.  I mean, don't get me wrong, it's bad... but you at least get to keep all your teeth.

Fortunately for you blog-readers, you can just click a little "x" in the upper right hand corner of the screen, and I go away.  I know it... sometimes, I get to be a bit too much (and I also know that many of your are staring at the screen asking "sometimes?!?!?!?" Yeah, I know.).  Unfortunately for this poor little bartender, it was his job to continue to serve our group drinks, thereby perpetuating my dedication to abrasively shoving my opinions down his throat.

Im sure at some point in my ranting, I threw out that I write this blog.  Actually, I'm sure I repeated myself on that point, as I did every other point I made... So, Bartender, in the event you might be crazy enough to actually seek out my blog (as if I somehow didn't make myself clear and you require further information on the subject), I hope that you will  consider this a "missed apology." 

     - the vodka drinker with a lawyering problem (Chophouse, Saturday night)