i'm still me.

Last week, I made my first mistake at my new job, and I very quickly learned that I'm still me.  Despite the laid back environment, my wonderful and incredibly nice boss, my phenomenal team of co-workers, and my recent renunciation of coffee... I'm still me.  Still the anxiety-ridden employee who feels intense shame and guilt at the discovery of even the tiniest mistake.

I once drafted a letter to the Delaware Secretary of State informing them that a check was enclosed for a state filing, only to seal the letter and send it off without the actual check.  Upon the realization that I had forgotten to include the check (about 15 minutes after the mailman had come to collect the mail), I immediately began to freak out.  FREAK. OUT.  My supervising partner is going to yell at me.  The client is going to be so mad.  What am I going to do?  Who do I need to tell?  I can't believe I did this.  STUPID.  STUPID.  STUPID.  While she didn't yell, she certainly gave me the "I'm very disappointed in you.  You need to do better than this.  Now what did you learn?" speech, and I didn't sleep for a week.  Every day thereafter, I rushed into the office, desperate for a message from the Delaware Secretary of State letting me know they had received my 17 emails and 32 voice messages about "the incident" and that they were willing to work with me to right the situation.

In retrospect... it certainly wasn't the HUGE deal I (or almost more importantly, my supervising partner) made it out to be, and all I would have needed to hear was "hey...relax."  I'm neurotic.  I'm pretty sure I would have been this way regardless of the law; however, I am confident that law fueled my neuroses like gasoline to a flame and almost made me downright crazy. 

I am slowly beginning to feel like myself as I get deeper into my new career... and while I'm still me, I am realizing how much I liked my old self... before the law got into me.