lots of grace

Like anyone writing for a general audience and hoping to attract new followers, I've hesitated to bring up God in any of my posts, worried that I would be pegged as some kind of religious zealot, holier-than-thou type and be immediately shunned from the blogosphere.  I knew that I wanted to write about God's work in my life and my struggles with letting go of the reigns (the cliche, but true "let go and let God" thing), but I wasn't ready to actually hit "publish post" until I had a product that offended no one while adequately encompassing this recent journey I've been on.

I found encouragement in Kristin Armstrong's blog, Mile Markers  and her awe-inspiring ability to write about faith, family and running in a way that doesn't make me feel like I need run sub-7 miles, be a mother to anyone other than my chocolate lab or earn Christian of the Year to be a worthwhile human being.  She doesn't impose her beliefs or her talent on anybody, and yet somehow the reader comes away with an acute understanding of God's importance in her life.  In the same way she doesn't write "running is very important to me," but yet everyone gets it, her faith silently speaks volumes.  It's impressive... and having read her material, I've been nervous incorporate God into my posts because I've been afraid I wouldn't do it as gracefully as she does.

Kristin herself summed up the most recent lesson in my life, which is something I continue to struggle with, and probably will for the rest of my life, and it's worth quoting:

The most marked difference in the wait of hopeful expectation is the component of Trust. Whatever the challenge that lies ahead, be it of a personal nature, work related, or running related, the wait is the time to cultivate trust. Trust God, trust your training, trust your body (listen to it!), and trust your heart.

People who learn how to wait are ultimately the people who know when to make a move. Whether this means the understanding of when to have a crucial conversation, when to approach your boss about a new assignment, when to open and offer our hears, when to say yes, when to say no, or when to stop looking at our watch and run with joy all the way to the finish line–we will only know how to go for it if we have truly learned how to wait for it. Patience is power, my pretties.

Courageous and still in the Wait.  In the last year, I have finally stopped going through the motions of faith.  Showing up where I'm supposed to show up on the day I'm supposed to show up and saying the things I'm supposed to say in an effort to be "rewarded" by some higher power with everything I believed I was entitled to.  I finally realized how desperately I have needed to get over myself.  I realized it's not all about me and I need to learn to wait.

I'm impatient, and I like to be in charge.  I hate waiting.  I hate having things outside of my control. For a long time, I thought if I just wanted it badly enough and worked hard enough, I would make it happen (whatever "it" might be).  I refused to accept that maybe some things weren't meant to be.  And this made for an absolutely miserable life.

Some readers might find this post ironic or out of place because when it comes to leaving law, I'm all about action.  That message remains true.  If you've thought incessantly about leaving law...  If the thought of going into the office brings tears to your eyes... If the blinking red light on your Blackberry sends you into a state of hand-wringing anxiety... and it's been this way for awhile... I would encourage you to give serious consideration to leaving law.  Don't wait. 

The "wait" has become important in my life in learning to let go of the reigns.  Until recently, I've had a death grip on the reigns... and I've come dangerously close to steering my life right off a cliff.