legal women: intimidation, inspiration and insidiation?

I'm flattered.  My next Docket assignment is to write an article on the changes within the Colorado Supreme Court.  The article involves interviewing retiring Chief Justice Mary Mullarkey.  I love her story... and she's from Wisco.  As a starting place for my article, one of the Docket editors referred me to this article:  Two Harvard Women: 1965 to Today.  I am blown away by CJ Mullarkey's story and the change of women in law in only 45 short years.  It seems as women we came, we saw, we conquered, and now... for some of us... if we had it to do over again, we wouldn't choose the same route.

There is a great deal of social commentary I want to make on this subject, but I hesitate to do so.  The thing about blogging is that it's the author's, and only the author's, thoughts and opinions... but this can be a double edge sword.  On the one hand, you can say whatever you want to say because it's YOUR blog.  On the other hand, you better really believe what you write because people are going to read it and form their own opinions about you (ok, fine... about me) as a person, a woman, and a lawyer.

I grew up as a total tomboy, with all the neighborhood boys including me in their games of football, soccer, World War II, cowboys and Indians, and kick the can.  As a result, I had the attitude that "whatever boys could do, I could do too (and sometimes better)."  I joined the boys' little league and played first base.  Generally, it went smoothly, with the exception of the first game of my first season when I wore hot pink underwear underneath those see-through white baseball pants.  When I got up to bat and attempted my best imitation of a proper baseball batting stance, sticking my butt as far out as possible, my entire team of boys started pointing and laughing.  Fortunately, my quick-thinking Mom saved the day, loudly proclaiming to the other moms, "We just came from the pool and were in SUCH a hurry that Nicki had to put her baseball uniform on over her swimsuit!!"  (Yikes. Thanks Mom).

This "created equal" attitude lasted me through high school and into college, where I always had a number of guy friends and would jump at any and every opportunity to prove that I was just as good as they were at whatever the sport (ahem, beer pong) might be.  Not only do I love to win, but I always felt I had to prove that being a girl had nothing to do it.

Almost immediately into my legal career, I began meeting women who had struggled with being a female lawyers.  Much like CJ Mullarkey, these women struck me as inspirational frontierswomen, blazing the path for the rest of us and proving that gender had nothing to do with being a good lawyer.  Interestingly, however, these trailblazing women are the same people who tell law clerks that they need to wear pantyhose in the middle of summer if they want to earn the respect of their male counterparts.  These are the women who, despite having proved themselves (and then some) in the legal field, still insist on signing their names with "Attorney at Law" or "Esq." after it, so that male attorneys won't think that they're legal secretaries.  And don't misunderstand this commentary.  I don't blame them in the least!  It's hard to let your guard down when you've been on the defensive for your entire career, needing to prove yourself at every turn.

To a certain extent, these women are probably right to be guarded.  Without a doubt, there are those male attorneys who probably think they're better lawyers and people, just because they're men.  I know that at some point, I will be told that my legal opinion isn't as valuable as a man's... But for once in my life, that doesn't really bother me.  I don't have that driving urge to keep up with the boys and prove that girl lawyers are just as good as boy lawyers.  I don't feel like I'm staring across the beer pong table at two frat boys who think I'm a worthless contender just because I'm a woman.  It's strange, and I can't figure out where that competitive edge went.  Is it me?  Is it the profession? ... or have I just not yet been subjected to the gender inequalities that I know still exist?

Surprisingly, I also find myself more and more envious of women who have decided to raise a family and adjusted their professional lives accordingly.  While in no way should this comment be construed to mean that I am itching to start a family or I am quitting the practice of law,  but I find that I stress about "womanly duties."  I freak out if I don't get to the grocery store or if we run out of oatmeal.  I like to have a clean house.  I like cooking dinner at night.  I like relaxing on the couch with a glass of wine.  All of a sudden, I feel 40... and I'm surprisingly OK with it.  My girl friends from law school are talking about babies and part-time jobs, and suddenly my former judgmental response to that kind of talk (i.e. "Why would ANYONE spend all that time and money to become a lawyer, and then quit to raise a family??  How stupid.") has turned into a response of respect mixed with a little bit of envy ("Wow, raising a family and working from home sounds really nice...Good for those women.").  I don't know if this change in perspective makes me more or less of a feminist...

At this point, I just need to post this.  I started writing this almost a week ago and have sat on it... debating whether or not to even post it.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's because I'm not positive if this is how I feel generally speaking... but it's definitely how I feel some days.  Then there are nights like last night, where I attended a meeting for the Civic Center Conservancy at the unbelievable home of one of its board members and couldn't stop thinking to myself that the DINK (dual-income-no-kids) lifestyle isn't too shabby after all.  I guess all of this is to say, I have a much more open mind about women lawyers who choose the family path.  Not only is it an open mind, but it's respect... a lot of respect.

So I suppose in summary, I have two thoughts: (1) maybe a traditional female role isn't something to turn my nose up at... and some days, it sounds downright awesome; and (2) boys will be boys, and I don't know when the change happened, but recently, I'm totally ok with girls being girls.